I am responsible for training everyone in the warehouses on forklifts. I myself am not a forklift driver. How then did I get this responsibility? Lucky, I guess.
Tomorrow I am going to a free forklift training class where I must successfully operate and pass a forklift test...written and driving. It's not the written part I'm worried about, I've done enough tests with employees that I am comfortable with that. It's the whole driving part.
Forklifts turn with their rear wheels. Pretty much the first time I got on one, I looked like a drunk driver. A seriously drunk driver. Trying to drive in reverse down the road. Now, however, I have improved and can drive the thing, almost like I might know what I'm doing...if I were smoking crack in a dark alley trying to reverse out into the road. I'm screwed.
Added to that, is the fact that I talk to everything. EVERYTHING. My computer, my chair, my friends, my phone, the forklift, the forks, the pallets, etc, etc, etc. I can not do this tomorrow for if I do that the instructors will mark me because they will start watching every tiny move I make. And I'm probably not allowed to tell the pallets that I will see them in hell and might personally carry them with me on my down. Nor throw my safety glasses and/or cell phone when I mis-judge a turn.
So, today after snacky-snack time and my second attempt to drive the forklift like an experienced person, we sat around and tried to figure out what I could do to keep from talking....here are our ideas:
1. Duct tape my mouth - ouch. We determined that would not be a good idea because it would pull the 'stach off my face. And you know when you pull some hair out, it just grows back coarse and darker.
2. Tiny pieces of masking tape - might be effective, but it would be awkward trying to explain that.
3. New skin applications- "I'm putting on lip gloss, and then I won't be able to talk to you." This one caused lots of giggles and frantic hand waving as we tried to figure out how I could still talk when asked a question. Sign language? I could try it, but would anyone else understand me?
4. Double Bubble Gum - shove large quantities of gum into my mouth so that I have no choice but to chew to keep from choking. Cause you know that gums doubles in size when you chew it - Bahama Mama's observation.
5. Orajel and chlorasceptic - Numb the HELL out of my mouth so I'm left with nothing but a slobbering, drooling mess. I have an entire box of Kleenex just in case I desire to try this method. It's an option because they will just want me off of the forklift before I flood the area with my saliva.
Overall, I think the Double Bubble gum might be the winner. I'm stocking up on it tonight.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Our Lounch Adventures in the Hoopty
Ok, so the Hoopty is the worst car to climb in and out of. And I am the one who gets stuck in the backseat. We call it being "birthed." Somedays its breech, others its feet first, head first, whatever way I feel like being "birthed" that day. Trixie drives to lounch about 90% of the time. Obviously the hoopty belongs to her. We have had some interesting lounches. Every friday is "Family Lounch Day" where all of us go out for lounch. Sometimes its during the week too depending if we want to eat our Smart Ones or not. We have met sooo many crazy people and have had the worst experiences at the local restaurants. We thought it would be fun one day to look up sanitation scores and OMG!!! We will NEVER EVER go back to some of these places because their scores were in the 70s....the 70s!!! However one of us did, I'm not going to mention who. We've been to a place where there were feathers flying around your head while your food was being made, we've had orders screwed up so bad that we can never go back to those places because we've complained so dang much and we are for sure that if we do go back there, we will have a big ol loogie waiting. My favorite time was when we were going to eat at a deli down the road and you have to call in the order, because if you ordered it when you got to the drive thru you will be waiting forever, so B called in the order. She told the guy that we needed a hot dog with ketchup and relish only, pretty simple, right? She gets done telling him that and he yells, "what?! No Weenie??" Really? Yes, I want a bun with ketchup and relish only. Bleck. Oh yeah at the mexican restaurant (where everyone LOVES their job) they tell us our order will be ready in harrrr (roll the tongue) minutes, so we took it as they were calling whores....lol. I know there are more adventures I just can't think of them right now. Oh and there will definitely be more to come, you can count on that!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
My Confession
Grills....I have a confession.
Hi, my name is B and my lunch box is the office clepto!
Have you ladies wondered why we are running out of forks in the 'Miley, Adna, and Barndy Grocery'? Well, my lunch box is the culprit and I want to apologize on her behalf. I am not sure how they got there, uhum, but I promise I will make her return them. I will sneak them back in so as not to draw attention to that thieving lunch box of mine. Gosh, I can't take her anywhere!
Hi, my name is B and my lunch box is the office clepto!
Have you ladies wondered why we are running out of forks in the 'Miley, Adna, and Barndy Grocery'? Well, my lunch box is the culprit and I want to apologize on her behalf. I am not sure how they got there, uhum, but I promise I will make her return them. I will sneak them back in so as not to draw attention to that thieving lunch box of mine. Gosh, I can't take her anywhere!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Go Grills!
We have become a cryptic-type society around here with our own language and all that! Here are some of the more commonly used words and their respective definitions...
Grills-(n.) plural for girl, homey and such. The meaning behind this word started with my younger sister who has quite a knack for attracting "intelligent" men. (I use the word intelligent in the most sarcastic sense) While visiting a McDonald's in a neighboring town, I happened upon a certain fry cook who had attended high school with my sister. He requested that I pass along his telephone number to my sister and I was willing to oblige. He quickly scrawled a note with his number. The note (I read it later, all good sisters would do that, right?!?) said, "Call me sometime gril". Henceforth, gril was a staple in the language of myself and all my "grills".
Hoopty-(n.) my mini-van. The meaning behind this word simply began when I was reluctantly forced into driving a "not-so-new" mini-van because of my ever increasing brood of children. It is often referred to as the "Hoopty Lounch Bus".
Louse-(n.) a disease. We use this term very loosely to describe just about anything that ails us or those around us. We just like the way it sounds. Louse can be cured with validity. (I don't know why, it just sounds funny when your humor I.Q. didn't get past the sixth grade.)
This is only a smattering of the vocabulary that we are accustomed to using. This is enough to get y'all started so that our entries won't be completely Greek to everyone!
Grills-(n.) plural for girl, homey and such. The meaning behind this word started with my younger sister who has quite a knack for attracting "intelligent" men. (I use the word intelligent in the most sarcastic sense) While visiting a McDonald's in a neighboring town, I happened upon a certain fry cook who had attended high school with my sister. He requested that I pass along his telephone number to my sister and I was willing to oblige. He quickly scrawled a note with his number. The note (I read it later, all good sisters would do that, right?!?) said, "Call me sometime gril". Henceforth, gril was a staple in the language of myself and all my "grills".
Hoopty-(n.) my mini-van. The meaning behind this word simply began when I was reluctantly forced into driving a "not-so-new" mini-van because of my ever increasing brood of children. It is often referred to as the "Hoopty Lounch Bus".
Louse-(n.) a disease. We use this term very loosely to describe just about anything that ails us or those around us. We just like the way it sounds. Louse can be cured with validity. (I don't know why, it just sounds funny when your humor I.Q. didn't get past the sixth grade.)
This is only a smattering of the vocabulary that we are accustomed to using. This is enough to get y'all started so that our entries won't be completely Greek to everyone!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Lounch
How did lounch come to be you ask and what the Hell does it mean?
Well, to be honest I can't really tell you where it came from. All I know is it has became such a habit that Taeter even used in when she was at the corporate office and I am sure people thought she was nuts.
Lounch is a word that I think Trixie started, and we all followed. Just like we do most everything else, we had to make it 'our thing'.
Every day at 11 o'clock on the dot some one yells....'ITS LOUNCH TIME', and we all go running. As you might have guessed, it means Lunch.
So girls...what did you bring for lounch?
Well, to be honest I can't really tell you where it came from. All I know is it has became such a habit that Taeter even used in when she was at the corporate office and I am sure people thought she was nuts.
Lounch is a word that I think Trixie started, and we all followed. Just like we do most everything else, we had to make it 'our thing'.
Every day at 11 o'clock on the dot some one yells....'ITS LOUNCH TIME', and we all go running. As you might have guessed, it means Lunch.
So girls...what did you bring for lounch?
Monday, July 21, 2008
Its official
.......we are going to Hell! Or it's quite possible we are already there...
Before we get started, we would like to take time for you get to know each of us a little better. To make it short and simple, we are four girls working in an office in small town America. Everything to us somehow becomes a joke, thus making the work day seem that much faster and securing our hot seat in Hell.
Now, take a peek into each of our lives.
About Trixie
I'm a 30-ish, retired solid gold dancer. I still entertain the girls in the office with such favorites as The Chicken Dance, Sweating to the Oldies, Tina Turner impersonations, Bitch Stomp and the occasional Conga Line. My entertaining abilities are not limited to the office. There have been many times I have felt "the tingle" come over me in the grocery store and have danced, much to the "delight" of my children.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. Erma Bombeck
About Barndy
If you need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or a mouth to help you slam the jerk that pissed you off - I'm your girl. I live in the country with my great Hubby and my baby, Peach. "I'm right here."
If you have nothing good to say, come sit by me!
About Bahama Mama
I write songs in my spare time. They are quite good, we sing them quite frequently in the office. "Stripey Purses," "Va-jay-jay," "Bitch Stomp," and so many more. Trixie created the dance to Bitch Stomp, we are going on tour next year. Contrary to popular belief, I am older than five. And since I am older than five, I do not like to be spoken to as one would a child. "Boo da boo"
Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip, there's no end to the game. Finally, I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
About TaeTer
I like long walks on the beach, fruity drinks with umbrellas, fuzzy puppies, thunderstorms and sun shiny days. What? Not what you wanted. Well too bad! I'm overly sarcastic, like to use big words (when I can think of them), would rather wear flip-flops than girly shoes any day, and have been accused more than once of dying my hair dark to disguise the blond hair I was born with. Sooo not true, my stupidity is allll-natural.
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. Erma Bombeck
Before we get started, we would like to take time for you get to know each of us a little better. To make it short and simple, we are four girls working in an office in small town America. Everything to us somehow becomes a joke, thus making the work day seem that much faster and securing our hot seat in Hell.
Now, take a peek into each of our lives.
About Trixie
I'm a 30-ish, retired solid gold dancer. I still entertain the girls in the office with such favorites as The Chicken Dance, Sweating to the Oldies, Tina Turner impersonations, Bitch Stomp and the occasional Conga Line. My entertaining abilities are not limited to the office. There have been many times I have felt "the tingle" come over me in the grocery store and have danced, much to the "delight" of my children.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. Erma Bombeck
About Barndy
If you need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or a mouth to help you slam the jerk that pissed you off - I'm your girl. I live in the country with my great Hubby and my baby, Peach. "I'm right here."
If you have nothing good to say, come sit by me!
About Bahama Mama
I write songs in my spare time. They are quite good, we sing them quite frequently in the office. "Stripey Purses," "Va-jay-jay," "Bitch Stomp," and so many more. Trixie created the dance to Bitch Stomp, we are going on tour next year. Contrary to popular belief, I am older than five. And since I am older than five, I do not like to be spoken to as one would a child. "Boo da boo"
Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip, there's no end to the game. Finally, I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
About TaeTer
I like long walks on the beach, fruity drinks with umbrellas, fuzzy puppies, thunderstorms and sun shiny days. What? Not what you wanted. Well too bad! I'm overly sarcastic, like to use big words (when I can think of them), would rather wear flip-flops than girly shoes any day, and have been accused more than once of dying my hair dark to disguise the blond hair I was born with. Sooo not true, my stupidity is allll-natural.
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. Erma Bombeck
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