Forklift Madness

I am responsible for training everyone in the warehouses on forklifts. I myself am not a forklift driver. How then did I get this responsibility? Lucky, I guess.

Tomorrow I am going to a free forklift training class where I must successfully operate and pass a forklift test...written and driving. It's not the written part I'm worried about, I've done enough tests with employees that I am comfortable with that. It's the whole driving part.

Forklifts turn with their rear wheels. Pretty much the first time I got on one, I looked like a drunk driver. A seriously drunk driver. Trying to drive in reverse down the road. Now, however, I have improved and can drive the thing, almost like I might know what I'm doing...if I were smoking crack in a dark alley trying to reverse out into the road. I'm screwed.

Added to that, is the fact that I talk to everything. EVERYTHING. My computer, my chair, my friends, my phone, the forklift, the forks, the pallets, etc, etc, etc. I can not do this tomorrow for if I do that the instructors will mark me because they will start watching every tiny move I make. And I'm probably not allowed to tell the pallets that I will see them in hell and might personally carry them with me on my down. Nor throw my safety glasses and/or cell phone when I mis-judge a turn.

So, today after snacky-snack time and my second attempt to drive the forklift like an experienced person, we sat around and tried to figure out what I could do to keep from talking....here are our ideas:

1. Duct tape my mouth - ouch. We determined that would not be a good idea because it would pull the 'stach off my face. And you know when you pull some hair out, it just grows back coarse and darker.

2. Tiny pieces of masking tape - might be effective, but it would be awkward trying to explain that.

3. New skin applications- "I'm putting on lip gloss, and then I won't be able to talk to you." This one caused lots of giggles and frantic hand waving as we tried to figure out how I could still talk when asked a question. Sign language? I could try it, but would anyone else understand me?

4. Double Bubble Gum - shove large quantities of gum into my mouth so that I have no choice but to chew to keep from choking. Cause you know that gums doubles in size when you chew it - Bahama Mama's observation.

5. Orajel and chlorasceptic - Numb the HELL out of my mouth so I'm left with nothing but a slobbering, drooling mess. I have an entire box of Kleenex just in case I desire to try this method. It's an option because they will just want me off of the forklift before I flood the area with my saliva.

Overall, I think the Double Bubble gum might be the winner. I'm stocking up on it tonight.